Dance-related #2: How to be that creepy guy

Ever feel like you're invisible in your dance scene? You've been coming out for awhile, but no one seems to know your name? No matter how hard you try, you just aren't exceptional enough to stand out on a crowded dance floor? Wish there was a way to be memorable, even without talent? Well... guess what! There is! If you can't be "that awesome guy," you can be "that creepy guy." Here are a few pointers to help you be memorable.

1) Don't shower and/or use deodorant ever again. 
As soon as you walk onto the dance floor, you will have everybody's attention. Even people who aren't looking your way will drop everything they're doing to ask, "Who is that?" Follows won't have to search for you on the crowded dance floor... they will know exactly where you are... at all times.

2) Wear the same outfit every time you go out dancing.

You know how you meet someone and have no problem remembering their name that day... but completely forget it the next time you see them because they're wearing something completely different? This is pretty much the same. The follows will remember your name with much more ease if you're wearing the same outfit each time they see you. It will also help if the outfit is particularly quirky and memorable... such as a "denim tuxedo" or a T-shirt with a raunchy message. This strategy also carries with it a sense of mystery. Every follow will be wondering, "Does he own a dozen identical denim shirts... or does he just never do laundry?"

3) Sneak-attack ask follows.

Most people love surprises. Follows are no different. Making eye-contact and asking politely at a socially acceptable distance is so commonplace and predictable. To be memorable, instead look for those unique asking techniques. Maybe grab the follow's hip. Or approach from behind and wrap your arm around her waist. Or if you really want to spice things up... yank her hair. She will never forget it. And if you find you favor one technique over another, use it on every follow, every time. Not only will everyone know who you are, but you'll earn a cool nickname, like "Ponytail-yankin Peter" or "Grabby Gary."

4) Dance pelvis-forward close-embrace blues* at a swing dance.

Follows get so bored of the same lindy and charleston dances... they all begin to feel the same after awhile. If you want a follow's dance with you to be the most memorable one of the evening, spring some pelvis-forward close-embrace blues in a song where she would least expect it. It will particularly stand out if the song is not suggesting it at all. That'll also show your exceptional creativity... you don't need the music to give you hints about want you can do... you come up with it all on your own.

Use these four techniques and before you know it, everyone will know who you are. And the newbies that don't... well, you'll just have to introduce yourself to them as soon as possible!

*Note to my non-dance friends who won't understand the reference... "pelvis-forward close-embrace blues" is not a socially acceptable form of dance... ever. Especially when not musically appropriate.

Ridiculous Advertising #2

And now the time has come for another post about ridiculous advertising!

1) "What part of chicken is nugget?" KFC

I was watching TBS yesterday, and I saw this commercial about a billion times. KFC makes a good point... what part of the chicken is nugget? But KFC, what part of chicken is popcorn? Even after viewing the commercial for the 23rd time, their argument still didn't make much sense to me. Nice try, KFC, but really?

2) "Just Bitten" by Revlon

"Have you ever been bitten?" Who the heck came up with that line? And how did it ever make it off the concept boards and onto TV?

You know, I have been bitten. A Great Dane bit my arm once... not fun. I've also been bitten by mosquitoes on many, many occasions. Those bites are particularly annoying because they itch for a few days. And...just a few weeks ago, my roommate was bitten by at least one cat. She really didn't seem to enjoy the experience one bit!

So Revlon, what exactly are you trying to say about your product? That it will make my lips red, itchy and swollen? (Or is the correct word "plump?") I don't see how associating your product with a negative experience will help sell it... but okay, Revlon.

3) Manhattan Mini Storage

I was with two friends on the subway when I first saw this ad. We put our three brains together and none of us could figure out what the line had to do with storage.

It's an interesting approach—I guess Manhattan Mini Storage determined that their brand's visual language was well established enough that their copy no longer needed to actually promote their service. People will see their ads and immediately recognize them as belonging to "the company that runs the blue (and yellow, if we're talking about color) ads." If they're lucky, their audience might even realize that they're looking an advertisement for a storage company... and not some kid's Twitter account that took a wrong turn and somehow made it's way out of the intertubes and onto a billboard.

I'm just saying... it seems a bit odd to put an unrelated political view on an ad instead of a promotional message. Imagine if McDonald's put out billboards that said "Abortion stops a beating heart." Well yes, that's true, it does...

...but so does a Big Mac.

Things people who don't live in NYC think about NYC #1

I haven't lived here long, but I've noticed that a few things aren't as my friends in other cities think... here a few things I've heard and what I've found to be true. Numbering this post, since it may have a sequel, if I think of more things. :-)

1. NYC is really, really cold
Before I moved this summer, someone told me to bring jackets and sweaters because NYC is further north than Cincinnati and it would be cold. Actually, NYC has warm weather in the summer... it's around the same temperature as Cincinnati, but less humid. I also found the winter temperatures to be fairly similar most of the time... so that's not exactly true...

2. NYC is really, really hot
I heard this in San Francisco. Compared to the 60 degree foggy summers there... sure. But with the exception of a few 100+ days, I found the summer weather to be completely wonderful. NYC is less humid than Cincinnati, so it was actually an improvement for me. And I successfully survived the summer without A/C in my bedroom.

3. Harlem is its own borough
Several people have said to me, "And Harlem is a borough, right?" Haha... no. NYC has 5 boroughs: Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, The Bronx, and Staten Island. Harlem is a neighborhood in Manhattan. Yes, Manhattan. Many people are surprised to hear this.

4. Everyone dresses to the nines all the time
I was having dinner at a friend's apartment and her mother said, "In New York City, everyone dress to the nines all the time," and went on and on about it. Since I was a guest and wanted to be polite, I didn't say anything, but I wanted to say, "Have you ever BEEN to New York City?" Yes, some people dress very nicely... and a lot of people don't. At my office, we can wear jeans. Some people are very fashionable... and then there's the rest of us. And don't even get me started on Inwood (my neighborhood); I'm probably the best-dressed one here.

"Do you have kids of your own?": A question I am still too young to hear

"Do you have kids?"

A man asked me that today. A century or two ago, by the age of 23, I'm sure I would have dozens of children... and maybe a few cows. But it's 2011. Women leave the kitchen and go to college and get jobs and crazy stuff like that. Kids? I'm 23! I've hardly left the stage of "kid" myself (it's debatable, depending on the day).

This isn't the first time I've been asked that, though. Here are the stories of the few times that I have:

1) Today I was doing laundry... as was everyone else in the building. A man waiting for the last few minutes of his things drying made small talk with me... and that was one of the questions he asked me. Kids? Do I look old enough to have kids? I suppose a lot of people in the neighborhood have kids. But no... no I don't. Interestingly enough, this was the first time I've had that "Oh no! Am I starting to look OLD?!?! How old do I look? Do I need to start buying special moisturizer to keep myself young?" panic. Usually I'm celebrating when I can buy an R-rated movie or go to the mall after a certain time without showing my ID; I'm not worried about looking older than I am. Usually...

2) It was probably either my 2nd or 3rd year of college... so I was 19-21-ish. I was riding the bus in Cincinnati and an adorable little toddler/pre-schooler sat in the seat next to me (her mother was behind us) and started talking to me. At some point she asked me, "Do you have a daughter?" I told her I didn't, so she, of course, followed up with a "Why not?" How do you answer a question like that? "Well...I haven't had sex yet."? That wouldn't work... unless her mother has, for some reason, already had "the talk" with her. (And what about the follow-up "why not?" to that?) "I'm only 20..."? I'm not sure how old her mother was. "I'm not married."? I don't know if her mother was married or not. I think I stuttered out a not much better, "Uhh... I haven't found a daddy yet."...which, still might have been a wrong answer, if she didn't have a daddy in her life. But how do you answer a question like that? It wasn't strange that she asked me if I had a daughter, since she was probably 3 years old or something, so everyone over the age of 15 probably seemed to be a "grown-up" to her. Perhaps a "I'm too busy with school" might have worked, even if she didn't understand that answer.

3) And finally... the first time I was ever asked if I had children. I was working at Kings Island at the time, drawing portraits, so I was probably 17 or 18. I believe one of my coworkers was drawing a woman's children and I made a comment on how adorable they were, and she asked me, "Do you have kids of your own?" Either being in high school or being barely out of high school... that was DEFINITELY not something anyone had asked me before... nor anything I had expected to be asked. I of course responded, "No... I'm only 17 (or 18)." My coworkers and I had a good laugh about that one.

I know that technically, I am old enough to produce a child, given the right behaviors and conditions.. and probably have been for more than half my life at this point... but I'm 23! And I live in New York City. Do I have kids? Of course not! a) This city is too expensive without having to pay for children. b) I like staying out past my bedtime... not ready to give that up yet! and, of course, c) I haven't found a daddy for them yet...

Maybe someday... but definitely not today!

Idiotic Things People Do in New York City #4: Busking on subway trains

I'm counting "On rainy days, I wish I had a long, pointy umbrella" as Idiotic Things People Do in New York City #3, so this post will be number four. In case you haven't heard/noticed, I moved to New York City permanently, so now I can whine all the time. Yay!


Music in the subway stations is lovely. Music in the subway cars... not so much. The difference between the two is that it's generally easy to walk away from or ignore the former, if you do not wish to listen, whereas there is no relief from the latter.


About every other day, on at least one of my trips on the subway, a mariachi band will enter the subway car and interrupt the Usher or whatever's playing in my headphones with some loud mariachi music. I can turn up the volume until my eardrums nearly shatter, but even that is not enough to overpower the loud accordion next to my head. I can try walking to another end of the train, if there is room to do so, but then they also walk towards the other end, to make sure than everyone "gets to" hear. And of course these guys board between express stops, so that they have several minutes to force everyone to listen to them.


But it doesn't stop there. After interrupting my semi-peaceful subway ride with their awful noise, they actually have the balls to walk by and ask for money. This confuses me. I'm not sure why I'm supposed to give them money. If anything, I think they should be compensating me for taking up a few minutes of my time. 


But let's pretend for a moment that interrupting a complete stranger's subway ride with loud obnoxious music is actually doing them a service of some sort. Even so, it's a bit presumptuous. I didn't ask the mariachi band to board the train. I don't owe them anything for playing. You can't really expect an audience that had no other choice but to hear your music to feel they owe you anything.


And that's my main issue with subway train busking. In a station, on the street, in a park, etc., I can either stand around and listen and chose to drop some money in your bucket, or I can walk away and ignore you. But on the train, I have no choice. I can't leave. I'm being imprisoned to listen to music I do not care for, and my captors expect me to pay them for the "privilege." As I've said before in a status update on Facebook... if I wanted to listen to mariachi music while riding the subway... I'd load some onto my MP3 player. But... I don't.

Ridiculous Advertising #1

I enjoy commercials. Sure, they're rather annoying if you're watching some sort of epic movie on TV with commercial breaks every 5 minutes or when you're watching a reality show and the host is like "And the winner is... going to be revealed after this commercial. HA! Gotcha! *cut to commercial break.*" But even when it's not the Superbowl, many of them have some entertainment value, whether it's because they're genuinely funny or they're awful in a Rebecca Black "Friday" sort of way.

I also sometimes enjoy looking at the ads in magazines more than reading the articles. I think it's interesting to see what strategies companies are taking to try to persuade me to buy their product or use their service.

Some of the strategies are ridiculous, though. Either illogical or incredibly ironic. I'm numbering this post because although I've only come up with three for this post, I'm sure I'll find more over time. So here we go.


1) "Love Your/My Body" by Victoria's Secret

Out of respect for any males who might read my blog, I'm cropping this image, but you can view the whole thing here. Even if you don't view the link, I'm sure you can make a pretty educated guess at what the rest of this image looks like.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but advertising is supposed to try to sell a product, right? Victoria's Secret has never done a very good job of convincing me. See, I like men, a lot, so the female sex appeal thing just doesn't work on me. It just doesn't. And just look at the women in that picture. They look so distressed... maybe a little constipated. That's supposed to entice me to buy a product? It's pretty impressive that Victoria's Secret sells any underwear at all to women... the target audience for their advertising seems to be teenage boys!

I first saw the "Love Your/My Body" (I've seen "your" and "my" used, depending on the context) campaign while I was in San Francisco. My first reaction was "Hmm... I love her body... but mine doesn't look like any of those models. I guess this product is not for me and the only bodies worth loving are the ones that look like that? Wow, Victoria's Secret, thanks for the uplifting message... :("

Among the many roles in advertising, you have Art and Copy. Art creates a visual to a line given by Copy, Copy writes to a visual created by Art, and back and forth until something awesome, legal and client-approved is born. "Love Your/My Body" is ridiculous because of the disconnect between the line "Love Your/My Body" and the visual. Few woman would get the warm fuzzies for their own body after viewing images like that. They can see why the model might love her body, but what does that have to do with them? The line "A Body for Every Body" also appears frequently, next to the images of several women with very similar bodies. Also a disconnect—they say they have a Body bra for every body... but they don't prove it; instead they just show several women with similar bodies. Weird. The disconnect comes from the fact that a line like "Love Your Body" just isn't on-strategy for Victoria's Secret. Victoria's Secret doesn't want women to love their bodies. They want to sell sex, but since prostitution is illegal in most states, they just sell bras and panties instead.

2) Nutella

If you watch TV, you've probably seen this commercial:

I find it pretty funny in this time of talk about the "obesity epidemic," one brand would deviate from the trend of promoting healthy eating and instead spread the message that most people have known for years: When you cover it with sugar, food just tastes better. Especially to children.

Yes, Nutella is a hazelnut spread, but doesn't have a lot of nutritional value. The protein content is pretty pathetic and the primary ingredient is sugar. That's why it's delicious.

So when I watch this commercial, what I see is a mother saying, "I can't stand up to my kids and get them to eat healthy... so I've just going to cover everything in sugar instead!" Yeah... I don't think that's a good idea/way to instill good eating habits in children...

I love Nutella... and Nutella on toast is probably still better than a lot of sugary options... but the message of "the only way to get my kids to eat toast is to cover it in sugar" puts this ad on the list of ridiculous advertising.

3) Above the Influence - "Tree Service"

(Video is no longer online, unfortunately)



WOOHOO! I guess they have finally gotten all the kids out there to stop doing drugs, so they're using their remaining funding to tackle the wasted squirrels epidemic.

If you've ever seen Over The Hedge, you know that the last thing your neighborhood wants/needs is a high squirrel. Squirrels are crazy enough as it is... the last thing we need is them using drugs. So I think Above the Influence has a good mission here... they're just forgetting one key thing:

Squirrels don't watch TV!

I also didn't know squirrels got high, but if it's on TV, it must be true... right?

"Awww... that's fun": My least favorite responses to what I do

I remember the first time I was asked "What do you do?" It was at the first Wednesday swing dance I attended in Dayton, Ohio... July 2008. I was twenty years old, had just finished my second year of college, and thought to myself, "Oh wow... I'm old enough to DO something!" Over the years, the answer has varied... being as vague as "student" to as specific as "I'm a graphic design intern at an environmental signage and wayfinding design firm" (no one has ANY idea was that is). This past winter I even stopped saying student and just called myself a "graphic designer." However, aside from my general dislike of small talk, I sometimes dread the question, "What do you do?" Why? Frankly, I've gotten tired of many of the typical responses to "I'm a graphic designer." or "I work at a [insert brief description here]." Most likely, I just need to work on a better answer to that question myself, but here's a list, in no particular order, of the responses that sometimes bug me, and why:

1) "What's that?"
This is typically a response to one of my more descriptive responses... which apparently aren't descriptive enough. I think this will actually stop being annoying, now that I have pretty straight-forward job description... "I'm a junior art director at a pharmaceutical ad agency." Yep, that's right—I push drugs. But explaining why on earth a sign would need someone to design it? That got boring after awhile. Explaining it was fine the first few times, but after awhile, I started wishing for a much more straight-forward job description—"I cook fries at McDonald's." or "I teach fifth graders Spanish." Or maybe it was that, sometimes, as an intern, my job description sometimes wasn't very exciting—"Basically, I do what the other employees don't really want to do themselves" (Okay, so maybe that wasn't really the case at most of my internships) or "Well, I sift through the topless ladies on Getty Images and find suitable images for my supervisor's presentation" (Oh, I guess that is kinda interesting). But the point is, I suppose any question, in any context, that requires an answer longer than about three words, gets old after you've answered it five times already in one week.

2) "Oh, that sounds fun..."
I think we should all try to find enjoyment in our professions. If you spend 40+ hours a week at work, hopefully you like it well enough most of the time, right? The reason this type of response makes my pet peeve list is the tone in which it's usually said—something about it suggests a lack of respect for my profession. It's as though the person is suggesting that some people actually work, and graphic designers are just paid to sit down with a box of crayons and color (and don't get me started on the people who flat out suggest that...). It's not that simple. We're problem solvers. There are challenges and pressures at work, just like anywhere. Sometimes it's awesome... and sometimes its tedious. It is fun, but it is work, and I had to go to college, work hard and get a degree to do it. Yes, I enjoy my job, but I hope you do too!

3) "Oh, I could never do that. I can't even draw a stick figure!"
Well first of all, I'm sure you can draw a perfectly lovely stick figure, and second, have you ever tried? While it's true that some people either are or aren't cut out for certain jobs, based on personality traits (I could never act; I'd feel embarrassed and I can't keep a straight face), a lot of others can be taught. My degree program doesn't require a student to draw anything in order to be admitted; as long as you fill out an application and have good grades and test scores, you have a chance of getting in. As I mentioned in "Lessons Learned During College," you're paying the school the big bucks to teach you something. Also, I once had someone imply that graphic design was a performing art—yeah, no, not really. We're usually not performing and graphic design degree ≠ fine arts degree. Not to say graphic design is not creative work, but my degree actually doesn't even have "art" in it (it's a Bachelor of Science degree). Perhaps "Oh, I could never do that. I hate computers and paper and pencils and colors and fonts and photos and words!" might be a more valid argument. I'm flattered that you think what I do is special and that I must have some natural talent to do it (maybe I do, maybe I don't)... but for whatever reason, I feel like I have to correct this misconception. I think it goes back to the "I had to go to college, work hard and get a degree to do it" thing.

4) "Oh, so you're like real good with the Photoshop and stuff..."
Yes. Yes I am. Give me $50 and I'll photoshop your roommate's face into Donald Trump's hairstyle. Okay, so this isn't necessarily annoying, but the lack of knowledge amuses me. Yes, I use photoshop, but I also use programs you've never even heard of even more often. But it's okay. I'm also ignorant of other people's professions. I think that wearing socks that come halfway up your calves with shorts comes with the job description of "IT guy" and that telemarketers have no souls. I also get really, really confused when I see a nun in "normal" clothing.

5) "Oh, my niece does that."
I don't know if attending a school with DAAP's reputation has made me unnecessarily cocky or if the copious amounts of questionable ads for graphic design school I've seen online have made me skeptical, but when you say that, I picture your niece sitting down to Microsoft Word and playing with WordArt. Maybe she did actually attend a decent school school and can easily distinguish Univers from Helvetica, or maybe she's 13 and downloaded a cracked version of Photoshop and made something really sparkly that looks like this:

Yeah, don't even get me started on the "I can use a computer, therefore I'm a graphic designer." Or even worse: "I have Photoshop, therefore I'm a graphic designer." Putting on a tutu doesn't make me a ballerina and owning a soccer ball doesn't make me a soccer player. Hey look, I bought a scalpel; I am now qualified to do brain surgery! No... just... no. It doesn't work that way, and I feel like the "Oh, my niece does that" conversation usually happens with adults who are older and think that anyone who can use Microsoft Office is a graphic designer. Then there's the awkward conversation where I prod further and find out the niece actually does something completely different ("No... actually graphic designers and Target employees don't do that same thing...")


So what are the correct responses? Well again, I think the asking more specific questions will be less annoying now, since I have a real, grown-up job with a more straight-forward description. So moving forward, you can disregard #1. Woohoo! For #2... just try to keep anything implying that you don't think graphic design is a "real job" to yourself. A simple "Oh, cool!" will suffice. #3 through #5 pretty much fall under the "don't pretend to know what you're talking about if you really don't; just smile and nod" category. A simple improvement on #5 is to be more specific—"Oh, my niece designs Coke cans!" or "My nephew's studying something like that at RISD!" And at least a straight-forward "My brother does that; he's an expert with Microsoft Word" leads to me to a very accurate conclusion :-)

Okay, fine, so maybe it's just that after at least an eight hour day of talking graphic design at work, I'm ready for a change of subject.

Yes, I'm a graphic designer. Yes, I can use Photoshop. And yes, I thought the logo redesign for Gap was HILARIOUS. Happy?

Why I look sixteen years old (and you probably do too) Part 2

This blog post was pretty popular and Pretty Little Liars is starting its 2nd season next week, so I thought I'd add on to it!

4. Pretty Little Liars

This series began last summer and as far as I can tell, the girls are supposed to be 16 years old. My guess is the high school guys are also also supposed to be 16, or maybe 17. For this post, I'm going to use their ages on the release date of the series—June 8, 2010.

From left to right:

Spencer Hastings (Troian Bellisario): 24
Aria Montgomery (Lucy Hale): Almost 21
Emily Fields (Shay Mitchell): 23
Hannah Marin (Ashley Benson): 20











Oddly enough, Alison DiLaurentis, the dead one, is played by Sasha Pieterse, who was 14 at the time of the show's release.

Maya St. Germain, played by Bianca Lawson was 31 at the time of the show's release. Almost twice her character's age!













I was having a hard time finding a few of the boys' ages, but here's a couple:

Toby Cavanaugh (Keegan Allen): Almost 21

Caleb Rivers (Tyler Blackburn): His first appearance was in 2011 and he is 24.

Noel Kahn (Brant Daugherty): almost 25














So again, most of the high school students are played by actors around my age!

Lessons Learned During College

One week of school left... Two weeks until graduation. Yes, it's true! The end of my five-year* design program is near! So, I thought I'd make a list of things I've learned through the years. No particular order.

*Yes, it is a real five year program. I'm not behind—I actually finished all my elective requirements year four. Six internship quarters stretch a four year program out to five. :-P

1. You don't spend thousands of dollars and five years of your life to become "official" at doing something you already know how to do—you do it to learn.
2. State schools do not offer the MRS degree program. Go to Christian college for that.
3. If you're a design major... your GPA is really not that important. Your portfolio is.
4. It's okay to take advantage of ALL the free stuff—don't feel guilty. And thanks to television, you can probably pass for a freshman all 4, 5, 6... etc years.
5. AppleCare... is worth the money.
6. Mac users and PC users will never get along. Or, they can, as long as they don't discuss computers.
7. Back up your files often. Best case scenario... you'll be reminded to when your classmate's laptop starts smoking during class... Worst case scenario... your laptop with start smoking during class.
8. If you're not a night owl, don't rent an apartment near the frat houses.
9. Living on campus freshman year is worth the money.
10. UC[incinnati]'s campus is like the city of San Francisco: two places might not look far from each other on a map, but then you realize that somehow, it actually is uphill both ways.
11. It is possible to stay up multiple nights in a row. Just keep drinking caffeine.
12. ...but beware of cheap, sketchy off-brand energy drinks...
13. If you're headed to campus around 11 pm to work on a project... bring a toothbrush and change of clothing.
14. X-acto blades are really sharp.
15. You will probably see more manparts graffiti'd on campus than in art history class slides.
16. The worst place to live is under a room occupied by football players. And don't think you're safe if they're not directly above you... I lived on the 2nd floor and would be bothered by noise coming from the 5th floor football players.
17. College should not feel like high school. If it does, you're hanging out with the wrong people.
18. Ratemyprofessors.com is your friend. Use it when signing up for classes. Write reviews to help those who come after you out.
19. No matter how awesome you were in high school, you probably won't get straight A's every quarter in college. Some professors just grade hard.

and finally... since I am running out of ideas... I'll end at 20:
20. Cincinnati natives... People from out of town have no idea what you're talking about when you mention playing cornhole or eating a 3-way. They will think dirty things.

Creeper Tales #2: Divide by 2 and add 7

Apparently some of the best stories I have are those that come from several years of dancing in a number of cities. Every once in awhile and more often than I'd like, I come across "that guy"... the "creeper"... those he's rarely "the creeper"... he's usually "a creeper," since he's probably not the only one. Every scene has one, and maybe even a half dozen or dozen, depending on the size of the scene. Now, out of respect to these individuals, who probably already have bad enough reputations, I will leave out names, locations, and any other descriptive details not necessary for the telling of the story. Chances are, these stories are not unique to me—or the "creepy leads" involved, so really... it could be anyone, anywhere. I am also titling these "creeper tales," since I have plenty of off-the-dance-floor stories too, especially from my teenage summers working at Kings Island, so maybe those will get told sometime as well.


Creeper Tales #2: Divide by 2 and add 7


There's nothing wrong with a little flirtation in the dance setting... as long as the subject is okay with it. Now, there are all sorts of  discussions to be had about determining whether it's wanted by reading signals, body language, etc... but for this post, I'm addressing the aspect of age and the Standard Creepiness Rule.


For those of you unfamiliar with the Standard Creepiness Rule, the comic below references it:

"Standard Creepiness Rule: Don't date under age divided by 2... plus 7"
Now with harmless flirtation, this can probably be a little more flexible, but not as much as some men would hope. What does this mean for me and my creeper stories? I'll work backwards to find the maximum age of men who have any business flirting with me.


To give the men the best possible scenario, let's pretend I actually look my age. 23 - 7 = 16. 16 x 2 = 32. Though now that I think of it, I was 22 at the oldest when any of my old guy creeper events occurred, so 22 - 7 = 15. 15 x 2 = 30. So technically, according to the Standard Creepiness Rule, it was "creepy" for any guy older than 30 to date me... but flirting may have been permissible for men as old as their mid-30s. Men in their 40s and 50s however... absolutely not. Men in theirs 40s and 50s are old enough to be my father. Ewww. And the following stories involve men at least that old.


To again clarify where I am finding fault/creepiness with the following situations... it's the age thing. Had I been 40... these may have merely been cases of really bad pick-up lines... but since I'm 23 and barely look my age... it's just creepy.


Situation #1
The lead, who was probably in his 40s at the youngest, offered me his arm. I accepted. He said, "You accepted. We are about to begin a 4 minute relationship." I was speechless. He continued, "Unless it's a 10 minute song... then it'll be a 10 minute relationship." At that point, I almost "broke up" with him. Being likely half his age... I was not interested with a relationship with him of any length.
(Fun fact: after hearing other stories about this lead... I didn't have it so bad... but this post is about my creeper tales.)


Situation #2
If you know me well at all... you know I am not fond of mustaches. When a man in his late 40s or so with a large mustache asked me to dance... my mustache-hating instincts told me to decline him, but I decided to be polite and non-judgmental... and accepted. And then he proved my creeper instincts right when he said, "Now don't you take advantage of me." Wow. Now I don't know WHERE he got the idea that I'm in the practice of taking advantage of older men... but I was offended... and grossed out. Even if I was the type to take advantage of older men... Hugh Laurie and George Clooney are the only men who should be worried... definitely not this mustache guy. Again, I was at a loss for words, so I just said, "What does that even mean?" Ironically, this was followed by 4 or 5 minutes of 6th grade dance-type awkwardness... about a foot apart, not even touching, just shifting weight. Awkward. 


Situation #3
This could also be filed under "How not to ask a follow to dance." I was about to exit the room when I felt a light tug on my ponytail. I was inclined to continue my exit, but concerned that there might be more tugging, I turned around, even though I already knew what the question and my answer would be. Again, this involved a man at least old enough to be my father. He asked me to dance. I said, "No thank you." He replied, "What?" Again I said, "No thank you." And then I exited the room. A few minutes later, while I was in the hallway, he came out and said, "Are you mad at me?" Which was strange... since I didn't even know the man. I think we'd danced once. I said, "I didn't appreciate the way you asked me." He replied, "Your back was turned. I thought it'd be cute."  Cute? Really? Tugging on the ponytail of a girl at least twenty years younger than you is CUTE?! Do you go to the playground and tug on the pigtails of the little girls there? It's not cute. It's creepy. I didn't say that to him though. I just said, "Ask me to my face next time." Leads... even if he had been my age... yeah... just, no. Unless you and the girl have that kind of relationship... don't ask with a ponytail tug.


Lessons for leads
If you're bad at math... think of it this way. Would you appreciate a man your age flirting with your daughter or niece? If you're good at math... then when it comes to flirting, consider the Standard Creepiness Rule. Take your age, divide it by 2, then add 7. Now look at the girl. Do you think she's at least that age? Would you put money on it? Or is there a good chance she's younger? Is she young enough you'd worry about her father showing up and kicking your butt? Are you old enough to be her father? Are you George Clooney? You're old enough to be her father and you're not George Clooney? Then... she probably doesn't want your flirtation/awkward pick-up lines. And you don't want the reputation of being the "creepy old guy who hits on the younger girls." (And if you DO want that reputation... I can't help you.)


I'm 23. I don't look it. I don't feel it—I eat cereal with cute cartoon animals on the box, I watch Disney movies, I wear brightly colored mismatched socks AND I still haven't had my first kiss. So when a man old enough to be my father tries to flirt with me, the first thing that comes to mind is "OMG GROSS!" Then I remember I am over 18, so nothing's illegal... but it still makes me uncomfortable. So be friendly, but avoid pick-up lines and references to "relationships" or "taking advantage of" or anything else of the sort... and never, ever, ever tug a stranger's ponytail when asking her to dance. Ever.

Why I look sixteen years old (and you probably do too)

About two months ago, I had a gentleman at a blues dance tell me he was intimidated to dance with me because I look sixteen years old and he was worried about what his colleagues would think if they walked in and saw him dancing with a sixteen-year-old. I am not sixteen years old... in fact I am twenty-three years old... a full SEVEN years older than that. I may or may not look as old as my peers, but I sure hope I don't still look as young as sixteen (because if I do, that will make my next set of creeper tales "Divide by Two, Add Seven" even creepier). However, I have a theory—high schoolers in many popular TV series and movies are played by people around my age, sometimes older! Here are a handful of examples:



1. Mean Girls 

Supposedly, these girls were juniors in high school, making them about sixteen or seventeen years old. However, their ages when the movie came out in April 2004 are as follows:

Gretchen Wieners (Lacey Chaber): 21
Regina George (Rachel McAdams): 25
Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan): 17
Karen Smith (Amanda Seyfried): 18

So Cady and Karen were played by actresses the correct age, but Regina George... that's pushing it.


2. Glee

According to this article, Glee characters will begin graduating in 2012. That means that this season, the characters are probably mostly sophomores and juniors—so they should be fifteen to seventeen years old. However, here are the current ages of some of the actors and actresses who have been involved in both seasons 1 and 2:

Quinn Fabray (Dianna Agron): almost 25
Artie Abrams (Kevin McHale): 22
Rachel Berry (Lea Michele): 24
Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith): almost 29
Mercedes Jones (Amber Riley): 25
Kurt Hummel (Chris Colfer): 20
Noah 'Puck' Puckerman (Mark Salling): 28
Tina Cohen-Chang (Jenna Ushkowitz): almost 25
Santana Lopez (Naya Rivera): 24
Brittany Pierce (Heather Morris): 24
Mike Chang (Harry Shum Jr.): almost 29

Yeah... most of them are around my age and older than me. But the good news is... if anyone was feeling creepy about crushing on the Glee kids because they're supposed to be in high school... don't. Except Kurt. He's a baby.


3. The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Yeah... I watch this show. It's a guilty pleasure. Shush. All I've gotta say is... I was not that messed up in high school. Not at all. Silly Hollywood. Anyway... at this point in the series, I think most of the characters have just begun their senior year(?) making them around seventeen years old. The Secret Life of the American Teenager overall uses younger cast members than Glee, so I'm just going to call out a few of the main characters who are about my age or older.

Megan Park, who plays Grace Bowman, is 24 years old.

Francia Raisa, who plays Adrian Lee, will be 23 in July.

Greg Finley, who plays Jack Pappas, is 26 years old.












So those are a few examples. Of course some shows (many of them on Nick) actually do use high school-aged kids in the roles of high schoolers. However, there are many shows and movies who cast actors and actresses in their twenties for the roles of high schoolers. I would like to say, therefore, for the record, no, I do not look like a sixteen-year-old... but I could totally play one on TV.

Creeper Tales #1: No, that is NOT okay.

Apparently some of the best stories I have are those that come from several years of dancing in a number of cities. Every once in awhile and more often than I'd like, I come across "that guy"... the "creeper"... those he's rarely "the creeper"... he's usually "a creeper," since he's probably not the only one. Every scene has one, and maybe even a half dozen or dozen, depending on the size of the scene. Now, out of respect to these individuals, who probably already have bad enough reputations, I will leave out names, locations, and any other descriptive details not necessary for the telling of the story. Chances are, these stories are not unique to me—or the "creepy leads" involved, so really... it could be anyone, anywhere. I am also titling these "creeper tales," since I have plenty of off-the-dance-floor stories too, especially from my teenage summers working at Kings Island, so maybe those will get told sometime as well.

Creeper Tales #1: No, that is NOT okay.

There are dances you can expect to be uncomfortable... square dancing in 3rd grade when boys are gross and everyone has cooties... your high school prom/homecoming/winter formal... etc. Swing dancing and blues dancing, however, should not be uncomfortable, and should not look anything like your high school prom (or at least my high school prom... ick!). These events are supposed to be fun.

Not to say social dancing isn't awkward, sometimes. Awkward happens. Those first few months when you're not always on beat. That evening when you realize you should've taken it easy at happy hour beforehand. That first lesson when you postulate that you are the first lady your partner has danced with since his sister's wedding... five years ago. Awkward happens. It's a little strange at the time, but we usually get past it and have a great laugh sooner or later.

Uncomfortable, however, is not okay. When you're first introduced to swing/blues dancing, you learn that everyone asks everyone, and you're generally supposed to say yes. For the most part, this works out great. However, sometimes you first yourself trapped into a dance, where you wonder if it's ever okay to say no, or even walk away mid-dance. While dance etiquette typically says yes, you must finish out the song, even if your partner is awkward, I think etiquette can go out the window when it starts to be uncomfortable (as in, inappropriate... that kind of uncomfortable). Here are two incidents, where in hindsight, I think I probably should have walked away mid-song.

Situation #1
I was very new to swing dancing. I knew little of dance etiquette/expectations except that I was supposed to say yes, ask guys, and to dance as much as possible in order to try to get better. With the exception of one salsa lesson the previous school year, swing dancing was my first exposure to social dancing. With one lesson under my belt and very shaky knowledge of the East Coast footwork, I was giving the swing dancing thing a shot.

A man who was at least two decades older than me asked me to dance. I said yes, since I was saying yes to everyone. I probably let him know I was new and not really sure what I was doing yet. The dancing began. He wasn't doing anything that I felt like I knew how to do, which made it rough enough. However, he was also holding me a lot closer that I remembered learning was okay, and in general, the way he was dancing with me made me uncomfortable. It did not feel right. I vocalized several times that I wasn't comfortable with what he was doing; maybe we could just do the East Coast basic? He pretty much ignored my protest, saying I'd figure it out, or something of that nature. At this point, I didn't know what to do. At business camp, in 9th grade, when a boy came behind me and started trying to dance in a way that I didn't like, I said "What THE heck?!" and elbowed him off of me. But this was the grown-up world. Was I allowed to ask him to stop dancing with me and walk away, or did I have to be polite?

I figured I probably had to be polite, so I endured the rest of the song. But I never, ever accepted a dance with that man ever again. At first, I would conveniently "need" water every time I saw him heading my way. But then I learned that it was okay to decline, especially if the lead asking me to dance made me uncomfortable. Now, a little further removed from the incident, I realize that I should've handle the situation like I would anywhere else: "I'm sorry, I'm really not comfortable with this. I'm going to sit the rest of the song out."

Situation #2
This occurred at a blues event in an unfamiliar scene, and at this point I had been dancing for much longer than in "Situation #1."

There are a lot of misconceptions about blues dancing being "dirty." It can be, yes, but activities such as watching a movie or playing poker, can also be dirty, if you and your partner decide that's how you want to do it. I personally like to try to keep my life more or less PG, but to each his own?

Generally, the first time during a dance I feel a lead's hand on my back slip below my belt, I give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it's an accident. If I'm feeling extra gracious, I may even give him the benefit of the doubt the second time—after all, accidents happen... and sometimes they happen twice. But once we get to instance 6... 7... 10... 15... yeah, probably not an accident anymore.

This lead was on "oops" #7, not very far into the song, and I was beginning to realize I wasn't too fond of how he was trying to dance. I was uncomfortable. I could see myself in the mirror—I looked uncomfortable. He was "dancing" with me, but I was definitely not dancing with him. I was at an unfamiliar event with two rooms of dancing... maybe this is just how they do it here/in this room? I thought. Maybe I shouldn't have even entered this room if I didn't want the hand-to-butt connection made? I endured the rest of the dance. Yeah, again I was trying to be polite, but I thought also, maybe it was my fault.

But no, apparently that was NOT how they did it there. As I was fleeing that room, a woman approached me. "Can I ask you some questions about the dance you just had?" she asked. Not sure exactly where this was going, I answered "Sure."

"Were you comfortable with the dance you just had?" she asked. At that point, I figured out she was one of the organizers of the event.

"No," I answered.

"Okay. That's all I needed to know," she replied. As I walked away, I saw her approach the lead with whom I had just endured a song, presumably to give him a little talking-to about appropriate dance behavior. I was glad someone was looking out for me, but realized I shouldn't have let it get that far. By "oops" #4 or so, I should have walked away. I talked to a few of the more experienced follows at the event, who confirmed that no, that was not how they did it there, and yes, that guy was a creep. I avoided him for the rest of the night, though I'm sure after his conversation with the organizer... he was not about to approach me again.

Lessons learned
1. Follows... know what's acceptable in the social dance environment. If you don't remember learning about hand-to-butt being a connection point in any of the lessons you've taken... it's probably not. If it makes you really uncomfortable/violated... then it's definitely not okay. You agreed to dance with the guy for one song, not to let him do whatever he wants with you for one song. Go with your instincts and walk away. Try your best to come up with a classy, mature way to do it (whatever fits the particular situation), but if all else fails, do what I did when the obnoxious drunk French guy was trying to dance with me at Radegast on New Year's Eve... say "Oh my gosh. I REALLY have to pee."... and bolt.
(Edit: If you are comfortable speaking up and correcting the lead, try this first. Politely let him know what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with. If he ignores/brushes you off like the lead in situation #1... not okay. Again, this applies to when it's not an accident or unintentional.)
(Note that ditching is only okay when it's truly uncomfortable and the guy has clearly crossed the line. If it's merely awkward, sorry ladies, but show a little grace and stick it out for the remainder of the song. It's up to you whether or not you want to decline future requests by the lead, but for the song, be as polite as you can.)
2. Leads... accidents happen. There's a chance she might not have noticed, but if you noticed, she probably noticed. Apologize, so that there's no question in her mind about whether or not you were trying to make a move on her. Also, pay attention to your follow (good general advice). If she looks/feels uncomfortable for any reason, try to alleviate it... whether it's the uncomfortable discussed in the blog post, or if she just looks really nervous about being swung out into the nearby column. Dancing is supposed to be fun. Don't make your follow feel uncomfortable. [Semi-related... don't torture your follow just because you're the lead and she "has to" follow what you're leading (i.e. spinning the girl 16 times in a row, etc.). It's not very nice.]
3. Organizers... follow the example of the woman at the blues event and keep an eye on what's going on at your event, if you can. I kept going out dancing, despite an uncomfortable situation one of my first times out, but other ladies might be deterred and get the wrong idea about the event. I think conduct so inappropriate it requires an intervention is rare, but it does happen every once in awhile. Keep an eye out.


A few final thoughts...
For my non-dancing friends... don't be scared away from dancing! In about three years of social dance experience, I was only able to come up with two situations where what the lead was doing was really not okay or acceptable at all. This doesn't happen all that often, but it does happen.

Again, yes, once you agree to a dance, you should really be polite and finish the song. The lead smells awful? Stick it out... and hope for lots of turns and swing outs to breathe on. He's soaked in sweat? Keep your mouth closed... and stick it out. Nothing at all is going right during the dance? Stick it out. But just know that social dancing etiquette does not give men a "free pass" for being inappropriate. That's a major, major epic dance foul.

Blast from the past—My favorite prank

I do not believe in April Fool's Day. Why set aside only one day for pranks when one can achieve more effective results by playing pranks when the situation naturally calls for them? Not only is the subject less likely to see the prank coming, but I feel that putting all of the pressure on one particular day is stifling to creativity. The one exception I'll give is to large companies and organizations that really couldn't justify a prank any other time of the year. Playing around on April Fool's Day is generally good for their image, but on any other day, fooling with the public might look tasteless.

I don't play a lot of pranks, and that is for two very good reasons: (1) I am a horrible liar and most pranks require some sort of deception, and (2) Even if I can tell a convincing lie, I can't maintain a straight face for long. If a prank doesn't require me actually interacting with the subject (such as signing up a boy for free tampon samples online), then I'm more likely to be successful.

However, in high school, I did play a prank that involved direct interaction with the victim subject, and as I recall, I actually pulled it off. I was just going to copy and paste my Xanga account of the prank, however, due to not wanting to give out too much information at the time, it's a bit difficult to decipher. Now that is has been several years since the situation occurred, I believe I can tell the story with a little more clarity; however, I will still use fake names in order to protect the identity of those involved.

Thursday, November 17, 2005—My favorite prank

It was the fall of my senior year of high school. I had a little crush on a boy in one of my classes. Actually, I probably had little crushes on boys in most/all of my classes. However, this story involves one boy in particular. In order to protect his identity, I will call him Frank.

I didn't have a major crush on Frank—just a little one. I thought he was kinda cute, but I wasn't exactly talking to all my female friends about it. Not a major crush, but just enough of one to be really, really annoyed/shocked when he came out to me on Myspace. This was the first time that anyone who was in the closet had come out to me, and I'll admit, due to my selfish interest in this kid/this kid's good looks, I didn't respond very well. I was young, he was cute... it happens.

Frank and I had a mutual friend. I'll call him William. On the morning of this particular Thursday, William had printed out an instant messenger conversation that he and Frank had had the evening before. The two of them had discussed Frank's sexuality and how another boy (I'll call him Hayden) was a jerk and how they were glad he didn't know Frank was gay. However, this conversation also included some not-so-nice remarks about me (presumably related to my little crush on Frank). When I read it, my response in my head was, "Wow. Really William? You didn't have the brains to edit this before giving it to me to read?" So I decided to play a little prank on William to teach him a lesson, especially since I didn't appreciate the things he had said to Frank about me.

That day, I had plans to eat lunch with William and two other friends. I let the two other friends in on the prank I was about to play, so they could help me be convincing.

I'm not sure whether or not William knew that I knew Hayden when he handed me the printed conversation. I did not know Hayden well, but he and I did have a class together. So I used that to my advantage.

At lunch, William asked me about the printed conversation—he wanted me to give it back to him after I had read it, in order to make sure the sensitive information didn't get into the wrong hands. I reached into my hoodie pocket and said, "Oh yeah, I have it right here!... oh crap... these are the notes I thought I gave Hayden first period... that must mean I gave him the conversation instead!" After I "checked" my folders to make sure I didn't have the conversation, William was convinced that I had indeed handed Hayden the conversation instead of the class notes. My friends contributed some "Oh no! This is bad", etc to the conversation, and William was freaking out, saying things like, "Oh my gosh... the WHOLE school's going to know about Frank and Hayden's going to hate me!!!" We kept it up for about 20 minutes, but then the lunch period was almost over and I had to tell William the truth, so that he wouldn't tell Frank that Hayden had been given the conversation... since that actually didn't happen, and this was a prank on William, not Frank. (The notes were real, but the situation where I needed to give them to Hayden was made up). William was a little mad when he found out, but he took it pretty well. I don't know if he learned his lesson, but it's one of those things we laugh about now, so it's all good.




This is one of my favorite pranks I've played, and one of the most memorable, since I actually fooled "William" into believing me... and kept it up for most of the lunch period. The moral of the story is... don't get on my bad side. Or else. *Insert evil laughter, thunder, and lightning here*

Dance-related #1: Things I never, ever, EVER want to hear leads say

I am no dance etiquette pro, but these are just a few pet peeves, in no particular order, from a follow's perspective, collected over almost 3 years of social dance experience.

1. "Would you like to try?"
It is not uncommon for newer leads to approach me and ask in this fashion. However, what I hear is "Hi, I'm not very good and I really don't expect you to be either." Alrighty then. I'll give you 5%, since after all, you're only asking me to "try." Asking in this manner sets a negative tone for the dance before it even begins. If you would like to disclose that it is your first time or you are fairly new, then just say so. But ask me if I would like to dance. Do not ask me if I'd like to "try."
(Quick edit/note: This is different than "Hi, I'm new, would you like to dance?" or "Hey, this is my third time and I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing." Those statements are more than valid and don't make any assumptions that my dancing isn't good. I'm objecting to the particular phrasing "would you like to try?" because of the "you" focus of it.)

2. "Can I give you some advice on your dancing?" (or other non-safety issue unsolicited feedback, at a social dance)
Immediately, that suggests to me that you did not enjoy our dance. If that is the case, ignorance is bliss; I'd rather not know. Even if that's not the case, just knowing that you were thinking about something I was doing incorrectly during our dance will make me self-conscious for the rest of the evening. I'm there to have fun—unless I'm like, clamping your right leg and completely cutting off circulation or something else dangerous, just let me have fun and keep your mouth shut. I take classes to learn/get feedback. Social dances are supposed to be fun.

3. "We are about to begin a 4 minute relationship." (Or anything else implying that it is anything more than a dance)
If I don't know you, this is awkward. If you're twice my age, this is creepy. Odds are good, I did not say yes because I'm sexually attracted to you. It's just a dance. Two people (hopefully) connecting to the music together. It's supposed to be fun. Don't make it uncomfortable.

4. "What other moves do you know?" (maybe not a "never, ever, ever" thing, but not a question I like to be asked)
I focus on following well, not cataloging every move that a lead has ever led with me. I can show you an inside turn, an outside turn, and the cuddle in East Coast swing. Beyond that, I do not remember what the lead was doing... I was just following/dancing. Sorry!

5. "Do you know the pretzel?"
...I eat pretzels...
(Pretzel usually results in more ow than fun. Let's not and not even say we did, either.)

6. "You're supposed to turn... remember?" (in lessons, usually)
For the most part, I don't "remember" to turn. I follow what you lead. If I don't feel the lead, and I'm trying to follow as honestly as possible because it's a class, I won't turn. If any part of it is my error, the error is not me "forgetting." The only time I "remember" to turn is when it's 4 in the morning and I'm also having to remember to stand up and to stay awake.

On rainy days, I wish I had a long, pointy umbrella

To keep with the theme thusfar, I suppose this post could also be called "Idiotic Things People Do in New York City #3: Be in my way." However, this issue is not unique to NYC and is more annoying than idiotic.

Commuting from the suburbs of Cincinnati to school in Clifton can be an interesting, patient-testing experience. Whether on I-75 or on the roads around campus, one always has to keep an eye out for cars doing really stupid things (what kind of stupid things? That's another blog for another time.) I've also witnessed a little bit of insanity while walking in New York that makes me grateful that I don't want to drive here and navigate heavy traffic. However, there is another nuisance on the morning commute: foot traffic.

On my morning commute, I have to ascend 2 flights of stairs to get to my first train, exit at a station, climb another flight of stairs, walk through a tunnel underground, descend a flight of stairs, catch a second train, then ascend 2 flights of stairs again at the subway stop by my place of work. In the evening, it's the same, but in reverse.

There are two kinds of people who ride the NYC subway... those who are trying to get somewhere... and those who aren't. Unfortunately, since my work hours are a little later in the morning (9:30 am)... at least 90% of the people on the subway fall into the second group—people who aren't working and don't necessarily have somewhere to be. They amble along slowly, taking up as much space and possible, completely oblivious to the power-walkers behind them, who are about to run them over, kick them down the stairs, etc. Some have valid excuses—the disabled and elderly get a free pass on this. But the lovey dovey couple who has to hold hands and take up the entire width of the stairs? That doesn't work.

Each morning it becomes more and more apparent to me that walking is much like driving, except there's usually no large, heavy machinery involved, so people are much less worried about collisions. Sometimes Often, I feel like the subway tunnels could benefit from lanes and traffic signals—but then again, looking at my first and second posts... no one would follow them. But how helpful would it be, if slower foot traffic stayed to the right, allowing the faster traffic to pass on the left? Or what about those times the oncoming foot traffic decides to occupy the whole width of the subway tunnel? Wouldn't a median be nice? And when it comes to intersections... right now, it feels like dodgeball or human bumper cars. How about traffic signals? Yeah... waiting at a red light would be just as much of a nuisance as on the road, but it's only a matter of time until we hear about ten body pile-up, caused by the collision of multiple directions of foot traffic.

One of my big pet peeves when driving is missing a green light because the car in front of me is driving so slowly. Likewise, it drives me nuts when I just barely miss a train and know I could have made it if it weren't for the slow walkers. This is most annoying when I can't descend the stairs fast enough because everyone else is taking up too much space and taking their sweet time. Kicking people down the stairs is really not very nice, but when you don't move the side to allow me to pass... I consider it.

And that is why I should really carry a long, pointy umbrella... even on sunny days.

Idiotic Things People Do In New York City #2

Since I can not have a post entitled "Idiotic Things People Do In New York City #1" without following it up with an "Idiotic Things People Do In New York City #2", here it is!

Idiotic Things People Do In New York City #2: Douchebags on the Subway (And/or a Brief Guide to Subway Etiquette from a Girl from the Suburbs)

I come from the suburbs, where we drive everywhere. My first public transit experience was freshman year of college, on the Metro buses in Cincinnati. I accompanied a friend to the library because I wanted to ride the bus with someone who had done it before, in order to avoid doing anything stupid. Since then, I have also taken public transit in San Francisco, CA; Portland, OR; Chicago, IL; Washington, D.C.; Boston, MA; and of course New York City. While most of those instances occurred over weekend visits, I did spend six months in San Francisco, and have noticed that the behavior on the New York subway is a bit different.

I understand that English may not be a first language for many people in New York, but still, the poor reading comprehension I've witnessed is a bit astounding. I even took a photograph of about a dozen or so people sitting on steps, by a sign saying, "Sitting on Stairways is Strictly Prohibited." I've noticed the same problem on the subway—there are signs, but they are blatantly ignored. Sometimes being rebellious makes you look cool, maybe... but in this case, it's just tacky.

So here's the brief list:


#1 - Offer your seat to the disabled and elderly 
If all the seats on the subway are full, which they often are, and an elderly/disabled/pregnant/whatever person enters the subway, and you are not elderly/disabled/pregnant/whatever, offer them your seat. I have seen some unbelievable rudeness in this area; the absolute worst was this girl who had her purse and shopping bag taking up the seat next to her while and elderly woman was standing right there. Really? Your stuff is so special that you can't move it so that an elderly woman can sit down? And again, with the reading comprehension thing... there are signs to enlighten people to this rule... but apparently, just like the "don't lean against the doors" signs, they are ignored.


#2 - If you have personal space issues, public transit is not for you
In NYC, a good amount of people are fat and do legitimately take up two seats. But on many occasions, on a crowded subway, I'll observe people straddling two seats when the size of their body only requires one. I've even seen a guy with his legs spread so wide he was taking up 3 seats. If there's like 5 people on the subway, then fine, take up as much space as you want. However, when it's crowded, it is totally rude to take up multiple seats when you don't have to. Similarly, I've also noticed New Yorkers are not very good at packing it in during particularly crowded times. Again, if you have personal space issues, public transit is not for you. Sometimes it will be crowded and you will have to stand close to people. It happens. Suck it up and move to the center of the car to make room for those boarding.

#3 - When waiting to board, stand out of the way until those exiting the subway car have done so
Ummm... duh? Chances are someone will be exiting out of the door you are about to enter through. Stand to the side and let them out. If you are in my way, I may walk into you, if there is nowhere else for me to go.


#4 - If you are standing, you should probably hold onto the pole. 
One thing that never gets old is tourists, buried in their map books, stumbling back and forth because they seem to think they don't need to hold on... when they really, really do. BART in the SF Bay area is fairly smooth. The NYC subway... not so much. You may think you're cool not holding on... but when the train jerks on a curve or stop and you fall into someone... you definitely do not look cool. Not at all.

#5 - Miscellaneous other pieces of advice that don't require explanation.
a. Don't try to hit on the girl decades younger than you, who has her headphones in and clearly doesn't want to be bothered.
b. No, I am not going to give you money for interrupting my subway ride with your loud, obnoxious, poor guitar playing and singing.
c. Don't hold the doors and hold up the subway. It's annoying.
d. Yes, a crowded subway leads to a lot of physical contact with strangers. Don't be creepy about it.

Idiotic Things People Do In New York City #1

Alright, I'll admit, being a college student, I jaywalk fairly frequently. By campus, there never seems to be a crosswalk where I need one (or a sidewalk, for that matter, but that's a different story), and I know if I do walk to one, I'll have two wait a few minutes for the signals to change. I'm not alone in this; most students do it. However, we do it intelligently, watching traffic to ensure cars don't have to brake to avoid hitting us.

The jaywalking I've witnessed in New York... is a different story. There's a line in the movie Elf, where Buddy the Elf says, "Watch out, the yellow ones don't stop!" As much fake as most of the movie is... that line expresses some truth. The taxis don't stop. You don't even have to watch Elf to know that; it's fairly obvious.

Which brings me to Idiotic Things People Do In New York City #1: Jaywalking, in front of taxis, with CHILDREN

I've witnessed this twice. The first time was a few weeks ago. She couldn't wait 20 more seconds for the light to change; no, it was imperative that she and the baby get across the street right then. So off the edge of the curb they went, right in front of a bright yellow taxi. About halfway across the street, she realized there was a taxi swiftly approaching her, so she increased her speed and arrived safely on the other side before the taxi reached the crosswalk.

Jaywalking in front of a car is stupid. Jaywalking in front of a taxi is even more stupid. Jaywalking in front of a taxi while pushing a child in a stroller... are you kidding me?

I witnessed a similar occurrence today while on my lunch break. The crosswalk light was red/orange, but I glanced to my left to see if it was safe to cross anyway—nope, there are a taxi and he seemed to be in a hurry. So I waited. The family opposite me, however, decided to go ahead and cross the street. This family included a fairly small child, probably 5 or 6 years old. I watched as they ambled across the street and the taxi approached the crosswalk with no indication of intent to slow down. I was imagining the graphic video game like explosion of blood and body parts I was about to witness when the taxi arrived at the crosswalk, swerving to the left to avoid actually hitting the family. But really? It's one thing to risk your own life, but don't bring your small child into your stupidity!

There are certain necessary changes one must make to his or her lifestyle when a baby comes into the picture. This is one of them. Parents of New York City... don't jaywalk with your children. Especially not in front of taxis!

I have a blog

Apparently I say all sorts of interesting things all the time, so Steve told me to start a blog so I can say interesting things for all the world to see!